burnt

i want to give up.. but i have nothing left to give up.

2 years i've invested in it. 2 years i've lied to everyone, duped myself, and burned my soul.

I lost...

I have lost.
I have lost myself, my heart, my soul and who I am.
I have lost my strength and my motivation.
I have lost my confidence and my path.
I have lost my health and my mind.
I have lost my love and my emotions.
I have lost my smiles and my tears.
I have lost.

I lost.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO REALITY.

ah. i was really angry.

now? i'm just tired. should i go back? if i don't, where else can i go? if i do, what does that say about me?

how long can i keep running? and how much more can i take? i'm so tired. i want to just give up.

what can i do? who can help me but myself? how long can i survive like this? survive what?

am i ready to face reality again?


Arghghghghhhhhhhhhhhhh............

you cannot lose what you never had

what did i never have?

you.

then why do i feel this loss? why can't i bear to leave? why can't i walk away from this pain? why do i keep on torturing myself? what is it that keeps me trapped? my own demons? my insanity? my love of self-inflicted pain?

why do the tears come only when i drink? why do these feelings only surface when i am intoxicated? are they real? or exaggerated?

why can't i deal with hurt? grief? why does it kill me every time?

what do i want? who should i be? who do i need to be? who can i be?

chemistry. once lost, can it be re-created from the elements?
trust. once broken, can it ever be rebuilt?
hurt. once inflicted, can it ever be forgiven?

Joining the spiritual path

Joining the spiritual path
by Paulo Coelho on January 27, 2012

Many emotions move the human heart when it decides to dedicate itself to the spiritual path.
This may be a “noble” reason – like faith, love of our neighbor, or charity.
Or it may be just a whim, the fear of loneliness, curiosity, or the fear of death.

None of that matters. The true spiritual path is stronger than the reasons that led us to it and little by little it imposes itself with love, discipline and dignity.
A moment arrives when we look backwards, remember the beginning of our journey, and laugh at ourselves. We have managed to grow, although we traveled the path for reasons that were very futile.

God uses loneliness to teach us about living together.
Sometimes he uses anger so that we can understand the infinite value of peace.
At other times he uses tedium, when he wants to show us the importance of adventure and leaving things behind.
God uses silence to teach us about the responsibility of what we say.
At times he uses fatigue so that we can understand the value of waking up.
At other times he uses sickness to show us the importance of health.
God uses fire to teach us about water.
Sometimes he uses earth so that we can understand the value of air. And at times he uses death when he wants to show us the importance of life

Remember this when for some reason you feel unable to continue on your path

- I'm not an avid blogger, I hope I'm not stealing anything, I just want to share this with my future..

Value

Was what I lost, worth it for what I have and who I am now?

An End and a beginning?

A phase of my life has come to an end. So another has just started? It's interesting how I didn't notice the transition. Physically there's been a change. But emotionally not so. Perhaps this is so new that I can't comprehend the difference? Am I subconsciously blocking and denying something.. or perhaps, there isn't even anything.

Maybe there isn't anything inside of me as well.. so opening up this chapter, it's natural to draw a blank.

What am I going on about? I'm not so sure myself.

Life is stable. Work is stable, though my financials suck. I have friends. We have fun.. So, what else is missing? I don't think I'm qualified to talk about love.. since I don't understand it. What am I lacking in? Where am I standing in the timeline of my life?

The past is painful and 99% hazy, all I remember are bits & pieces, feelings and emotions more than actions and events.. that I'm not even sure happened / existed.
Let go of it? Let go of what?

Arirang - SG Wannabe

Even if I met you in my dreams, I would tell you not to leave
My love, who left without a final farewell
As you walk over the hills of separation, if your feet feel any pain
Shamelessly, I will let you rest in my arms for a little while

I worry because you may not find the way back to me
I pray to the moon that he will light your way

My love, my love, you who do not respond to my call
Even if we lived under the same sky, I would never see you again
Even if I am born a thousand times, I will only love you
To this day I am waiting for you, do not forget me.

If the only way to meet you was by walking on a thorny road
I would walk that road even if my two feet went their separate ways
If coming back is too difficult because you walked a hundred thousand steps
Even if it’s in someone else’s arms, rest your weary self
Even if the flowers don’t bloom on your journey, please be happy
After walking back from sending you away, I am filled with worries

My love, my love, you who do not respond to my call
Even if we lived under the same sky, I would never see you again
Even if I am born a thousand times, I will only love you
To this day I am waiting, do not forget me.

My Love, whom I long to see

My Love, it’s now goodbye, don’t look back and just walk away
So you won’t have one chance to look for me
Even though throughout this lifetime we will never meet again,
Don’t forget me, the one who loved you this much

It would have been great now if things had gone this way – Cho Yong Pil

Lyrics by Park Joo Yeon, song by Cho Yong Pil
Translation by shyangz

Since the day I left, I knew I would return some day
So familiar in my eyes, this place where I can rest in comfort
In search of many things, I left for afar
Where had I been?

Flying high into the sky, I want to touch the stars
But, forgetting all that was most precious, was this the way to live?
It would have been great now if things had gone this way
Standing in the shadows, you heal your weary heart
“All things precious were right beside you” -
- If only this was told to those going faraway

Since the day I sent you away (i.e. broke up), I know you would return some day
These things so familiar in my hands, this place where I can sleep in comfort
Overcoming those days when I wander aimlessly, trying to hide
What had you felt, that made you come to me

Flying high into the sky, I want to touch the stars
But, forgetting all that was most precious, was this the way to live?
It would have been great now if things had gone this way
Standing in the shadows, you heal your weary heart
“All things precious were right beside you” -
- If only this was told to those going faraway

It would have been great now if things had gone this way
Standing in the shadows, you heal your weary heart
“All things precious were right beside you” -
- If only this was told to those going faraway

이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네 – 조용필
박주연 작사, 조용필 작곡

나는 떠날때부터 다시 돌아올 걸 알았지
눈에 익은 이자리 편히 쉴 수 있는곳
많은 것을 찾아서 멀리만 떠났지
난 어디서 있었는지
하늘높이 날아서 별을 안고 싶어
소중한 건 모두 잊고 산 건 아니었나
이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네
그대 그늘에서 지친마음 아물게해
소중한 건 옆에 있다고
먼길 떠나려는 사람에게 말했으면

너를 보낼때부터 다시 돌아올 걸 알았지
손에 익은 물건들 편히 잘 수 있는곳
숨고 싶어 헤매던 세월을 딛고서
넌 무얼 느껴왔는지
하늘높이 날아서 별을 안고 싶어
소중한건 모두 잊고 산건 아니었나
이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네
그대 그늘에서 지친 마음 아물게해
소중한 건 옆에 있다고
먼길 떠나려는 사람에게 말했으면

이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네
그대 그늘에서 지친 마음 아물게 해
소중한 건 옆에 있다고
먼길 떠나려는 사람에게 말했으면

Time and Purpose.

It's been over a year since I last came. More than 3 years since it happened.

This is a place where certain feelings were stored, waiting to be remembered again.

What can I add now?

3 years. That's more than 1,000 days. And I'm still here. Time passed. And I'm still here.

Where and who am I now? I still can't answer. I've stopped asking, cos I don't know the answer. Or.. is it because I don't want to know the answer? I've stumbled a few times along the way. But I'm still here. Is that strength or cowardice?

Who or what did I want to become? The goal became impossible, not because I couldn't reach. But because it was no longer there.

So where should I go now?

"He who fights with monsters might take care, lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Next Life

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You
start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you
wake up in an old people's home feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go
collect your pension, and then when you start work,
you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and
are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high
school. You then go to primary school, you become a
kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you
become a baby until you are born. And then you spend
your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like
conditions with central heating and room service on
tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You
finish off as an orgasm! I rest my cases.

- Woody Allen

The Road Less Travelled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost, 1916

have I taken that road? or have I gone down the other way?

i believe

I Believe...

That just because two people argue, doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...

That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be
the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe....
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to
be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've
had, and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how
many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for
your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change
your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't
even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, if a friend cries
out to you........you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe....
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did.



The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

Interesting Fact #1

There are more plastic surgery done in Iran than in Los Angeles.

On Compassion

"Let me explain what we mean by compassion. Usually, our concept of compassion or love refers to the feeling of closeness we have with our friends and loved ones. Sometimes compassion also carries a sense of pity. This is wrong--any love or compassion which entails looking down on the other is not genuine compassion. To be genuine, compassion must be based on respect for the other, and on the realization that others have the right to be happy and overcome suffering just as much as you. On this basis, since you can see that others are suffering, you develop a genuine sense of concern for them.

As for the closeness we feel toward our friends, this is usually more like attachment than compassion. Genuine compassion should be unbiased. If we only feel close to our friends, and not to our enemies, or to the countless people who are unknown to us personally and toward whom we are indifferent, then our compassion is only partial or biased.

Genuine compassion is based on the recognition that others have the right to happiness just like yourself, and therefore even your enemy is a human being with the same wish for happiness as you, and the same right to happiness as you. A sense of concern developed on this basis is what we call compassion; it extends to everyone, irrespective of whether the person's attitude toward you is hostile or friendly. "

-His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Mad World, Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

- pretty much sums up life n the world.

check out this version, instead of the original by Tears for Fears (!982)

watching

watching the world go on around me,
wondering, am I really a part of that world?

or is that just a reflection of me,
rather, what I want to see?

watching people I love grow up,
becoming, changing, accomplishing.

or is it only I'm not moving?
Have I stopped my walking altogehter?

if I am not making the world a better place,
can I?

if I am not moving along with the world,
do I still belong?

Elephants, Rachael Yamagata

If the elephants have past lives,
Yet are destined to always remember,
it´s no wonder how they scream,
Like you and I, they must have some temper.

And I am dreaming of them on the plains,
Dirtying up their beds,
Watching for some kind of rain
To cool their hot heads.

And how dare that you send me that card
When I´m doing all that I can do.
You are forcing me to remember
When all I want is to just forget you.

If the tiger shall protect her young,
Then tell me how did you slip by.
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night.

And I am dreaming of them with their kill,
Tearing it all apart,
Blood dripping from their lips,
And teeth sinking in to heart.

And how dare that you say you will call,
When you know I need some peace of mind..
If you had to take sides with the animals,
Won't you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead,
If you´re living you don´t stand a chance.
For a time, though you share the same bed,
There are only two ends to this dance.

You can flee with your wounds just in time,
Or lie there as he feeds,
Watching yourself ripped to shreds
And laughing as you bleed.

So for those of you falling in love,
Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger,
But keep one eye open at night.

Inspiring Thoughts

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present
by worrying over the future.

Love...and you shall be loved.

All people smile in the same language.

A hug is a great gift... one size fits all.
It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

Everyone needs to be loved... especially when they do not deserve it.

The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity.

Everyone has beauty but not everyone sees it.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow,
you have nothing today to be thankful for.

The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow.

Take time to laugh, for it is the music of the soul.

If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it.

Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.

Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.

The best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other.

Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts.

To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.

We take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for.

Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.

Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others.