Value

Was what I lost, worth it for what I have and who I am now?

An End and a beginning?

A phase of my life has come to an end. So another has just started? It's interesting how I didn't notice the transition. Physically there's been a change. But emotionally not so. Perhaps this is so new that I can't comprehend the difference? Am I subconsciously blocking and denying something.. or perhaps, there isn't even anything.

Maybe there isn't anything inside of me as well.. so opening up this chapter, it's natural to draw a blank.

What am I going on about? I'm not so sure myself.

Life is stable. Work is stable, though my financials suck. I have friends. We have fun.. So, what else is missing? I don't think I'm qualified to talk about love.. since I don't understand it. What am I lacking in? Where am I standing in the timeline of my life?

The past is painful and 99% hazy, all I remember are bits & pieces, feelings and emotions more than actions and events.. that I'm not even sure happened / existed.
Let go of it? Let go of what?

Arirang - SG Wannabe

Even if I met you in my dreams, I would tell you not to leave
My love, who left without a final farewell
As you walk over the hills of separation, if your feet feel any pain
Shamelessly, I will let you rest in my arms for a little while

I worry because you may not find the way back to me
I pray to the moon that he will light your way

My love, my love, you who do not respond to my call
Even if we lived under the same sky, I would never see you again
Even if I am born a thousand times, I will only love you
To this day I am waiting for you, do not forget me.

If the only way to meet you was by walking on a thorny road
I would walk that road even if my two feet went their separate ways
If coming back is too difficult because you walked a hundred thousand steps
Even if it’s in someone else’s arms, rest your weary self
Even if the flowers don’t bloom on your journey, please be happy
After walking back from sending you away, I am filled with worries

My love, my love, you who do not respond to my call
Even if we lived under the same sky, I would never see you again
Even if I am born a thousand times, I will only love you
To this day I am waiting, do not forget me.

My Love, whom I long to see

My Love, it’s now goodbye, don’t look back and just walk away
So you won’t have one chance to look for me
Even though throughout this lifetime we will never meet again,
Don’t forget me, the one who loved you this much

It would have been great now if things had gone this way – Cho Yong Pil

Lyrics by Park Joo Yeon, song by Cho Yong Pil
Translation by shyangz

Since the day I left, I knew I would return some day
So familiar in my eyes, this place where I can rest in comfort
In search of many things, I left for afar
Where had I been?

Flying high into the sky, I want to touch the stars
But, forgetting all that was most precious, was this the way to live?
It would have been great now if things had gone this way
Standing in the shadows, you heal your weary heart
“All things precious were right beside you” -
- If only this was told to those going faraway

Since the day I sent you away (i.e. broke up), I know you would return some day
These things so familiar in my hands, this place where I can sleep in comfort
Overcoming those days when I wander aimlessly, trying to hide
What had you felt, that made you come to me

Flying high into the sky, I want to touch the stars
But, forgetting all that was most precious, was this the way to live?
It would have been great now if things had gone this way
Standing in the shadows, you heal your weary heart
“All things precious were right beside you” -
- If only this was told to those going faraway

It would have been great now if things had gone this way
Standing in the shadows, you heal your weary heart
“All things precious were right beside you” -
- If only this was told to those going faraway

이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네 – 조용필
박주연 작사, 조용필 작곡

나는 떠날때부터 다시 돌아올 걸 알았지
눈에 익은 이자리 편히 쉴 수 있는곳
많은 것을 찾아서 멀리만 떠났지
난 어디서 있었는지
하늘높이 날아서 별을 안고 싶어
소중한 건 모두 잊고 산 건 아니었나
이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네
그대 그늘에서 지친마음 아물게해
소중한 건 옆에 있다고
먼길 떠나려는 사람에게 말했으면

너를 보낼때부터 다시 돌아올 걸 알았지
손에 익은 물건들 편히 잘 수 있는곳
숨고 싶어 헤매던 세월을 딛고서
넌 무얼 느껴왔는지
하늘높이 날아서 별을 안고 싶어
소중한건 모두 잊고 산건 아니었나
이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네
그대 그늘에서 지친 마음 아물게해
소중한 건 옆에 있다고
먼길 떠나려는 사람에게 말했으면

이젠 그랬으면 좋겠네
그대 그늘에서 지친 마음 아물게 해
소중한 건 옆에 있다고
먼길 떠나려는 사람에게 말했으면

Time and Purpose.

It's been over a year since I last came. More than 3 years since it happened.

This is a place where certain feelings were stored, waiting to be remembered again.

What can I add now?

3 years. That's more than 1,000 days. And I'm still here. Time passed. And I'm still here.

Where and who am I now? I still can't answer. I've stopped asking, cos I don't know the answer. Or.. is it because I don't want to know the answer? I've stumbled a few times along the way. But I'm still here. Is that strength or cowardice?

Who or what did I want to become? The goal became impossible, not because I couldn't reach. But because it was no longer there.

So where should I go now?

"He who fights with monsters might take care, lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Next Life

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You
start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you
wake up in an old people's home feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go
collect your pension, and then when you start work,
you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and
are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high
school. You then go to primary school, you become a
kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you
become a baby until you are born. And then you spend
your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like
conditions with central heating and room service on
tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You
finish off as an orgasm! I rest my cases.

- Woody Allen

The Road Less Travelled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost, 1916

have I taken that road? or have I gone down the other way?