burnt

i want to give up.. but i have nothing left to give up.

2 years i've invested in it. 2 years i've lied to everyone, duped myself, and burned my soul.

I lost...

I have lost.
I have lost myself, my heart, my soul and who I am.
I have lost my strength and my motivation.
I have lost my confidence and my path.
I have lost my health and my mind.
I have lost my love and my emotions.
I have lost my smiles and my tears.
I have lost.

I lost.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO REALITY.

ah. i was really angry.

now? i'm just tired. should i go back? if i don't, where else can i go? if i do, what does that say about me?

how long can i keep running? and how much more can i take? i'm so tired. i want to just give up.

what can i do? who can help me but myself? how long can i survive like this? survive what?

am i ready to face reality again?


Arghghghghhhhhhhhhhhhh............

you cannot lose what you never had

what did i never have?

you.

then why do i feel this loss? why can't i bear to leave? why can't i walk away from this pain? why do i keep on torturing myself? what is it that keeps me trapped? my own demons? my insanity? my love of self-inflicted pain?

why do the tears come only when i drink? why do these feelings only surface when i am intoxicated? are they real? or exaggerated?

why can't i deal with hurt? grief? why does it kill me every time?

what do i want? who should i be? who do i need to be? who can i be?

chemistry. once lost, can it be re-created from the elements?
trust. once broken, can it ever be rebuilt?
hurt. once inflicted, can it ever be forgiven?

Joining the spiritual path

Joining the spiritual path
by Paulo Coelho on January 27, 2012

Many emotions move the human heart when it decides to dedicate itself to the spiritual path.
This may be a “noble” reason – like faith, love of our neighbor, or charity.
Or it may be just a whim, the fear of loneliness, curiosity, or the fear of death.

None of that matters. The true spiritual path is stronger than the reasons that led us to it and little by little it imposes itself with love, discipline and dignity.
A moment arrives when we look backwards, remember the beginning of our journey, and laugh at ourselves. We have managed to grow, although we traveled the path for reasons that were very futile.

God uses loneliness to teach us about living together.
Sometimes he uses anger so that we can understand the infinite value of peace.
At other times he uses tedium, when he wants to show us the importance of adventure and leaving things behind.
God uses silence to teach us about the responsibility of what we say.
At times he uses fatigue so that we can understand the value of waking up.
At other times he uses sickness to show us the importance of health.
God uses fire to teach us about water.
Sometimes he uses earth so that we can understand the value of air. And at times he uses death when he wants to show us the importance of life

Remember this when for some reason you feel unable to continue on your path

- I'm not an avid blogger, I hope I'm not stealing anything, I just want to share this with my future..

Value

Was what I lost, worth it for what I have and who I am now?