I lost...

I have lost.
I have lost myself, my heart, my soul and who I am.
I have lost my strength and my motivation.
I have lost my confidence and my path.
I have lost my health and my mind.
I have lost my love and my emotions.
I have lost my smiles and my tears.
I have lost.

I lost.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO REALITY.

ah. i was really angry.

now? i'm just tired. should i go back? if i don't, where else can i go? if i do, what does that say about me?

how long can i keep running? and how much more can i take? i'm so tired. i want to just give up.

what can i do? who can help me but myself? how long can i survive like this? survive what?

am i ready to face reality again?


Arghghghghhhhhhhhhhhhh............

you cannot lose what you never had

what did i never have?

you.

then why do i feel this loss? why can't i bear to leave? why can't i walk away from this pain? why do i keep on torturing myself? what is it that keeps me trapped? my own demons? my insanity? my love of self-inflicted pain?

why do the tears come only when i drink? why do these feelings only surface when i am intoxicated? are they real? or exaggerated?

why can't i deal with hurt? grief? why does it kill me every time?

what do i want? who should i be? who do i need to be? who can i be?

chemistry. once lost, can it be re-created from the elements?
trust. once broken, can it ever be rebuilt?
hurt. once inflicted, can it ever be forgiven?